3. DYE YOUR HAIR

Now you're ready to get dyeing. There are two very important tests that you must perform with each and every hair coloring product you use: the allergy test and the strand test.

Allergy test

The allergy test will make sure that you don't get a disgusting rash all over your scalp after you dye your hair. Perform the allergy test at least two days before you dye your hair. In a small plastic cup, mix together about a teaspoon worth of all the ingredients that you'll have to mix to dye your hair. Dermatologists suggest that you smear the concoction on the inside of your elbow (it's one of the most sensitive parts of your skin). Leave the goop on for at least 48 hours (covering it up with a band-aid when you shower). If nothing terrible happens, you're good to go.

Strand test

The strand test is exactly what it sounds like, and you can do it either while performing the allergy test or you can do it the day you dye your hair. With the teaspoon of dye (and a gloved hand), choose a hair strand, and completely saturate it with the dye. Leave it in for the amount of time you'll leave the dye on the rest of your head later, and then wash hair. Check out the strand. If it turns green or purple, get a new hair coloring product and sue the pants off the manufacturer for emotional distress. If the result is what you're going for, then find someone else to sue and dye on.

Before you get started with your whole head, make sure you get everything together that you need before you dye your hair. Time is of the essence, and you don't want to be fumbling around for a towel while goop is dripping down your face. You'll need:

  1. Rubber gloves. Most of the coloring kits come with a pair of gloves, but you can always purchase a few pair at any beauty supply store.

  2. A comb. Not the one you normally use.

  3. Crappy clothes. Don't dye your hair without having as much of your skin covered as possible. This stuff isn't exactly gentle on your skin, and though you might be tempted to do this au natural so you won't ruin any clothes, keep in mind that it's better to damage an old T-shirt than your skin.

  4. An old towel, for wiping gunk off your forehead, neck, and ears.

  5. A large plastic bag and hair clip.

  6. A timer.

VERY IMPORTANT: READ THE DIRECTIONS ON THE BOX AT LEAST TWICE BEFORE YOU BEGIN. Just in case you missed our yelling, we'll say it again in another font: read the directions on the box at least twice before you begin. Different products have very different instructions. For example, some require your hair to be dry, and others wet. You don't want to be fumbling around with the directions when you've already dumped the bottle of goop onto your head.

So here we go:

  1. Depending on the product, you will probably need to mix some bottles together (or shake up one bottle). So mix your bottle, following the instructions exactly as they are written.

  2. After the bottle is thoroughly mixed, work the dye from the roots out, making sure your hair is eventually completely and evenly saturated.

  3. You might want to use a comb to help you spread the gunk through your hair and to smooth out the clumps.

  4. Put the plastic bag over your hair (but not over your entire head, or you will die and dye at the same time). Twist the bag tightly, and secure it with a hair clip. The heat will help the chemicals react better.

  5. Set your timer for the amount of time stated in the instructions. Do not leave the dye in your hair longer than the time suggested. Remember, these chemicals aren't great for your skin, and there's a reason why there's a time listed in the instructions. If you want stronger results, use a hairdryer over the plastic bag.

  6. During the next thirty minutes or so, take deep breaths. Read a book. Listen to music. It's going to be okay. Remember: it's only hair, and even if it doesn't come out exactly as you would have liked, hair can usually be easily altered (or at least hidden).

  7. When the timer rings, take off the bag, hop into the shower, and follow the directions in the box. Usually, you're supposed to wash your hair with shampoo until the water runs clear, and then condition with an after-dyeing conditioner that should come in the box.

Ah, the moment of truth. You're either ready to face the world singing "You Make Me Feel Like a Natural Woman (or Man)," or ready to invest in head-sized paper bags.

Never try to dye your eyebrows or eyelashes. The FDA prohibits salons from doing it, as it can cause inflammations around the eyes, and even blindness, so certainly don't try it on your own.