3. FIND THOSE EXPERIMENTS

To cash in on this market, you can't just run up to the nearest doctor and say, "test me, baby!" You'll have to seek out experiments… but it's not that hard. First, ask around. If your friends, relatives, or acquaintances work for a medical or academic institution, see if they need any subjects. Also, you can ask your doctor about any clinical trials he/she knows of. But here're some other options:

Colleges
Newspaper ads
The Internet
Pharmaceutical companies

Colleges

A great place to find ongoing experiments is a college campus. This is because the researchers know that college kids are desperate for cash, lazy, and don't really care about their bodies. Pretty perceptive, eh?

Whether or not you're a student, check around campus (especially the student centers) for flyers advertising various types of experiments. Also, most major universities have research hospitals near them, so just go on over and ask around. They'll either sign you up for an experiment right then or put you in a database and contact you when one rolls around. Finally, go to the psychology, communication research, and sociology departments at any college.

Newspaper ads

Yep, you read that right - sometimes, right along with the ad for a "1971 Ford, engine missing," you can find opportunities for human guinea pigs. However, if you do find an ad, when you call, you'll probably find it's all filled up already. But keep your eyes open; sometimes, pharmaceutical companies or hospitals run widespread ads asking for volunteers. If you do see one and are interested, CALL IMMEDIATELY. Those spots fill up almost instantly.

The Internet

And, of course, the Internet. Here are two ways to use the Web to find research trials:

  1. Search for the website of a major hospital near you, and then look for any section concerning clinical trials or research volunteers. This page will find a hospital in your area. Ask.com is another good place to start.

  2. WebMD offers listings (by state or medical specialty) of both NIH studies and clinical trials looking for volunteers.

Pharmaceutical companies

If you don't mind pumping your body full of drugs (legal ones, that is), opportunities abound at pharmaceutical companies. Simply contact the companies and tell them you're interested in being a guinea pig, and they'll let you know if there are clinical trials going on or they'll put you in a database. But go easy on these trials unless you're really determined to change the chemical composition of your body.

Remember, there're lots of guinea pig hopefuls around, so if you see an experiment that looks good, follow up on it IMMEDIATELY or else you'll just be a wandering, unfulfilled guinea pig. How sad.

Finally, although almost every study will be official and safe, always read the ad carefully and please stay away from anything that looks sketchy. (For example, ignore that flyer for human subjects to "test brain function after several massive blows to the cranium.")