3. DETERMINE HOW MUCH YOU WANT TO PAY

At a guitar store, a salesperson might recommend a $2000 guitar because of how good it sounds. Have no doubt, it will most likely sound amazing… but you don't need it yet.

In order to figure out how much you should pay for a guitar, you have to figure out what you are going to use if for. Because we're so witty (and we're proud of it, dammit!), we've categorized all potential guitar purchasers into three types of players, in order of the cheapest to the most expensive: road warriors, porch-sitters, and rock stars.

The road warrior
The porch-sitter
The rock star

The road warrior

The road warrior takes a guitar everywhere. To the beach, to the pool, to a campfire, to a bris, to a midget sidekick convention - you get the idea. Because the guitar will be exposed to so many of earth's elements, you want to make sure that it is robust and durable. Primarily, though, you want to make sure that the guitar is NOT expensive. Just like you wouldn't want to drive your Rolls Royce into the ocean, you wouldn't want to take a fancy-schmancy $1000 guitar to the beach and get it all sandy and dirty. So you have two tasks: 1) get a guitar with a laminated veneer top - then you're pretty much in the cheap-zone. Don't spend more than $200. In fact, a cheapo guitar from a pawn shop may do you just fine.

The porch-sitter

If you're going to be playing around the house (or on the stairway of your dorm) and aren't going to be traveling with your guitar much, then you are a porch-sitter. You should be willing to spend a reasonable amount of money on your guitar, since there's less of a chance of it getting damaged. Porch sitters are those who are looking to take lessons and learn how to play the guitar properly. You don't want to pay the bare minimum, or else the crappy guitar will emit crappy music. We suggest spending around $300.

The rock star

You need two things: 1) an aforementioned midget sidekick, and 2) a high quality acoustic guitar. If you're looking to record an album or perform live for money, be prepared to shell out some major cash. You'll probably want to spend upwards of $1000 on a guitar. Make sure that your guitar is entirely solid-bodied and defect-free. Such a guitar should always be stored in controlled conditions (in your room or at a studio). You don't want anything to damage your precious (and expensive) baby.