After playing air-guitar for 14 years ("We are Wyld Stallyns!"), you've decided to grab a piece of wood and become the world's newest guitar virtuoso. You can see it now… The bright lights on your face. The audience cheering before you. You've even got your own midget sidekick riling up the crowd.

Easy there, Rick Springfield. Before you're ready to take on Shea Stadium, you've got to have a guitar in your hands that won't sound like a goat suffering through a rectal exam. And we're going to show you how to buy the best acoustic guitar for all of your playing needs (and dreams). And we promise to never mention the rectal goat again.

1. CHOOSE BETWEEN A STEEL-STRING ACOUSTIC GUITAR AND A CLASSICAL GUITAR

Before we move on to the first major choice of whether you want a steel-string acoustic guitar or a classical guitar, you must first familiarize yourself with the parts of a guitar:

  • Body: The big huge part with the hole in it.

  • Sound hole: The big hole in the body where the sound comes out.

  • Strings: These are what you pluck to make music, moron. There are 6 of them.

  • Bridge: The bar where the strings are attached to the body of the guitar.

  • Neck: The really long thing that the strings run along. You'll notice that the neck is subdivided into partitions called frets.

  • Nut: At the end of the neck are six grooves that the strings nestle in.

  • Headstock: The top, which houses the six tuning pegs used to tune the strings.
If you're rather nerdy in nature and would like to learn exactly how a guitar works in great mathematical detail, check out this site.

So now comes your first big decision: Do you want a steel-string acoustic guitar, or a classical guitar?

Steel-string acoustic guitar

The steel-string acoustic guitar is what you're probably most familiar with; you've seen them played at bars and at concerts. These guitars have steel strings, which provide a thick, rich, vibration-y sound. These guitars are very popular in pop and blues music.

If you're a beginner, some people will tell you that you should not get a steel-string guitar because it will hurt your precious little fingers. True, it will hurt your fingers at the beginning, but you'll eventually develop calluses that will ease your pain. So if you think that the steel-string acoustic sounds better or is more your style, then feel free to get one.

Classical Guitar

The classical guitar has nylon strings, which provide a rounder, smoother tone than its steel-string cousin. Nylon strings are much softer than steel strings (you don't wear steel pantyhose, do you?). Nylon strings also have less "sustain," which means that any plucked note will die more quickly. Still, there are people who would swear that the nylon strings provide more sound control than steel strings.

There are several other differences between steel-string and classical guitars:

  • Classical guitars are not nearly as loud as steel-string acoustics.

  • The classical guitar has a much wider neck than the steel-string; this can be a bad thing if your hands are small.

  • One rarely strums the classical guitar, as fingerpicking is the norm.

  • Classical guitars have a smaller body than steel-string acoustics, so they might be a little more portable if you're interested in taking your guitar with you to lots of places.

2. SELECT WHAT OPTIONS YOU WANT

You think you know everything about the guitar now? Wrong. When you go to buy your guitar, you'll have to decide which options you want.

The cutaway
Body type
Electronics
Aesthetics

The cutaway

On some steel-string acoustics, you'll notice that the bottom of the body is partially cut away to allow you fingers access to the higher frets near the sound hole of the guitar. This is called "the cutaway."

The cutaway makes playing the ubiquitous solo a lot easier, because you can reach those high frets (that is, you can reach higher notes) and really make your guitar scream. But beware - the cutaway hurts the overall loudness and sound of a guitar because there is less "open guitar" through which the air can resonate. The cutaway is generally not available on the classical guitar.

Body type

The top of the body (the face of the guitar, part where the sound hole is) works like a speaker when playing, so it is an important consideration. The top of the body is generally built in two different styles:

  • Laminated veneer top: This type of guitar face is constructed of thin sheets of wood glued together. A laminated veneer top does not provide the best top for an acoustic, and thus is cheaper, but the sound quality is worse.

  • Solid top: This face is a solid piece of wood and resonates much better than a laminated veneer top. Thus, the overall sound of the guitar is louder, clearer, and better. The drawback, of course, is the price. Solid tops cost a lot more than laminated veneer tops. It's up to you to determine if you think the increase in sound quality is worth the increase in price.

Guitars may have a solid top and veneer sides. This is not optimal (and correspondingly less expensive), but the overall sound quality is still better than that of a veneer top. This may be a good alternative if you want to get better sound quality than a veneer top guitar, but don't want to shell out the moolah for a purely solid guitar.

Electronics

"What?" you're thinking, "I thought acoustics don't need electricity." The reason that acoustics need electronics is because it's hard for the people in the back row of a 30,000-seat stadium to hear you play "Blackbird" from a mile away. So modern science came up with the idea of either using a microphone or a pick-up to amplify the sound of an acoustic guitar. This is not the same as an electric guitar, which has a distinctly different sound from an acoustic guitar.

There are four ways to amplify your acoustic:

  • Microphone: There's always the old-fashioned option of just sticking your guitar in front of a microphone. The catch is that microphones run the risk of giving feedback and are hard to set at a good volume.

  • Sound Hole Pickup: Instead, you could go for a sound hole pickup, which is a special microphone placed in the sound hole. A pickup amplifies the sound that you produce on your guitar and then sends it via a cable to a speaker that emits your beautiful music. If you get a sound hole pickup, make sure that it can fit into your sound hole!

  • Piezo Pickup: This is the most popular choice for acoustic aficionados. They are versatile and extremely easy to use. You simply mount the pickup under the bridge of the guitar, and you're done. Keep in mind that some people claim that the piezo pickup does not produce a realistic acoustic sound.

  • Acoustic-electric guitars: Acoustic-electric guitars provide one final alternative for amplifying sound. These guitars have a built-in pickup, and usually have a graphic equalizer for fine-tuning the sound. These guitars are pricier than their brethren, and guitar connoisseurs will tell you that the pickup and equalizer detract from the body of the guitar, creating a worse acoustic sound than a pure acoustic guitar. But they're good at being loud.

Aesthetics

An often overlooked part of searching for a guitar is how visually appealing a guitar is. After all, you're shelling out your hard-earned cash, so you might as well be happy with it. Inspect the guitar for discolorations or dents or scratches, keeping in mind that lower-end guitars are bound to have some defects-it's hard to get around that when they're mass-produced.

3. DETERMINE HOW MUCH YOU WANT TO PAY

At a guitar store, a salesperson might recommend a $2000 guitar because of how good it sounds. Have no doubt, it will most likely sound amazing… but you don't need it yet.

In order to figure out how much you should pay for a guitar, you have to figure out what you are going to use if for. Because we're so witty (and we're proud of it, dammit!), we've categorized all potential guitar purchasers into three types of players, in order of the cheapest to the most expensive: road warriors, porch-sitters, and rock stars.

The road warrior
The porch-sitter
The rock star

The road warrior

The road warrior takes a guitar everywhere. To the beach, to the pool, to a campfire, to a bris, to a midget sidekick convention - you get the idea. Because the guitar will be exposed to so many of earth's elements, you want to make sure that it is robust and durable. Primarily, though, you want to make sure that the guitar is NOT expensive. Just like you wouldn't want to drive your Rolls Royce into the ocean, you wouldn't want to take a fancy-schmancy $1000 guitar to the beach and get it all sandy and dirty. So you have two tasks: 1) get a guitar with a laminated veneer top - then you're pretty much in the cheap-zone. Don't spend more than $200. In fact, a cheapo guitar from a pawn shop may do you just fine.

The porch-sitter

If you're going to be playing around the house (or on the stairway of your dorm) and aren't going to be traveling with your guitar much, then you are a porch-sitter. You should be willing to spend a reasonable amount of money on your guitar, since there's less of a chance of it getting damaged. Porch sitters are those who are looking to take lessons and learn how to play the guitar properly. You don't want to pay the bare minimum, or else the crappy guitar will emit crappy music. We suggest spending around $300.

The rock star

You need two things: 1) an aforementioned midget sidekick, and 2) a high quality acoustic guitar. If you're looking to record an album or perform live for money, be prepared to shell out some major cash. You'll probably want to spend upwards of $1000 on a guitar. Make sure that your guitar is entirely solid-bodied and defect-free. Such a guitar should always be stored in controlled conditions (in your room or at a studio). You don't want anything to damage your precious (and expensive) baby.

4. FIND OUT WHERE TO GET YOUR GUITAR

All right, so you know what kind of guitar you want to get, and how much you're willing to pay for it. Where should you go to purchase your stringed enjoyment?

Pawn shops
Mail-order catalogs/online
Local guitar store or chain

Pawn shops

Sometimes pawn shops will have guitars that look and sound great for 100 bucks. This would be a rare find. More often, though, you'll find a mediocre guitar for that price, and that's still pretty hard to beat. Just don't pay more than $150 at a guitar shop just in case you do happen to get screwed.

Mail-order catalogs/online

Buying your guitar through mail-order or online is great because there are always tons of deals being offered that can save you a lot of money. However, this is an extremely dangerous option if you're getting your first guitar; how will you know if you're getting ripped off or not? Fortunately, we have a sneaky solution: go to your local music store, find one you like, tell the salesperson that you'll "think about it," then go online and look for a better deal for that exact model.

Local guitar store or chain

Heading out to your local music store or chain is the optimum way to purchase a guitar. Though this is the most expensive option, you will most likely get the best warranty and best service. And you'll actually get to test-play the guitar. If you like it a lot, you can take that exact guitar home with you. This is not to say that the local store or chain does not have its faults. Sales reps tend to be a bit pushy when it comes to buying a guitar. Don't let them talk you into getting a more expensive guitar than you really need.

5. BUY THE GUITAR

Once you get your little body inside of a guitar store, there is a distinct protocol that should be followed. Here are our tips:

  • After spotting a guitar that you like, walk up to a sales rep and tell him/her that you'd like to play it.

  • If you know nothing about guitars, try to find a friend who does to come with you (or at least have someone show you a few chords to play). Do NOT let the sales rep play for you, because the sales rep will be some guitar god that will make everything sound good. No matter how bad you are, YOU should be the one playing it.

  • Likewise, don't let the salesperson plug your guitar into some monster amp, because an amp will make even the shabbiest of guitars sound good. Trust your ear - you know what garbage sounds like.

  • Always comparison shop. Listen to a guitar that's way out of your price range, and work your way down to the worst. That way, you'll know exactly what you're paying for and what you're missing.

  • If you think the sound is good, then you should do a quick check for "fret buzzing." A fret buzz occurs when the wood is warped. When you pluck a fretted note, it should sound clean. If you hear a buzzing or weird vibration, then send the guitar back, and ask for a new one. You should also test the harmonics and octaves around the fretboard to make sure everything sounds in key.

  • Once you've found a guitar you like, talk to the salesperson and make sure that you can get cool little services with your purchase, like a warrantee or maybe a free lesson or some wood polish.

  • Then go on and buy it. Learn how to play guitar. Practice every day. Write a hit song. Score a record deal. Get some groupies. Then get a midget sidekick - only then will you know you've made it.