5. COMPLETE THE RUSE

You've got the basics down, now you need to fill in some of the gaps. Remember, you don't need to fill in all of them . . . you don't want to actually BE an indie rock expert because that's a lifetime of work, and you've got better things to do. You just need to fill in enough of the holes to keep people from prying further to see how many are actually there.

So here's what ya gotta do:

  • Familiarize yourself with The Elephant 6 Collective of the Olivia Tremor Control, Apples in Stereo, and Neutral Milk Hotel. This is a group of bands who have taken up where the Stone's Their Satanic Majesties Request and the Beatles' Revolver left off. The Beatles and the Stones? That may sound mainstream, but these guys do retro psych-pop in a way that nobody with a Britney Spears CD would ever want to sit through.

  • Know about Minneapolis in the heyday of the '80s, when the Replacements, Hüsker Dü, and Soul Asylum (they used to be cool) were the underground holy trinity of rock. Drop mentions of the Replacements whenever possible. Oh, and also mention Peter Jesperson, even if you have no idea who he is. It doesn't matter. Just say something like, "Yeah, I hear Jesperson's got something new going on," then just bluff your way from there.

  • Finally it will be advantageous to pick one favorite band that just never broke despite their genius, someone like, say, Spoon. Do you own both Spoon records as well as the Soft Effects EP? Probably not because they are not easy to find, but if someone sees you in a record store (and it damn well better be an indie record store), that's what you tell them you are looking for. As for what you buy at the record store - CD or vinyl - you are free to go either way without really affecting your indie cred (that's indie-speak for credibility).

  • If you really want to do the extra credit work, pick a foreign country and school yourself in some of its bands. For instance, you can pick Japan and drop names like Lolita No. 18, Zoobombs, Melt Banana, Cornelius, Buffalo Daughter, Guitar Wolf, and Husking Bee. You should actually listen to one or two of them. That way you can make a judgment like, "You know, the Japanese bands are finally starting to move away from simple imitation of American music and are now starting to incorporate elements that are wholly original." But don't say that. That's our line.

  • One last minefield you need to navigate is what happens when an indie band jumps to a major label. No matter how cool a band is, this is bound to happen. Sometimes it doesn't mean much, and other times it is the end of the band. Again, Sonic Youth were cool even on DGC, but the Goo Goo Dolls, who did about the coolest Prince cover ever ("I Could Never Take the Place of Your Man"), became something else when they went to a major label. Showing anything but disdain for that bunch of milksops will get you cast out east of indie Eden. Then there are cases like Dinosaur Jr. - Green Mind, good; but anything after Where You Been, bad. There is no science here; and without a good knowledge of the bands you are only likely to get into trouble.