Mike, a college student, has a rather unique (and unhygienic) system of doing his laundry:

  • In front of his pint-sized closet, filled with every piece of sporting equipment ever introduced to the Western World, lays an ever-expanding pile of dirty clothes.

  • When Mike can no longer open his closet, he knows that it's time to stuff what he can into a brown paper shopping bag (his makeshift laundry basket) and head to the laundromat.

  • In his "basket" are a mishmash of boxers, unmatched socks, t-shirts, jeans, khakis, and a sweater marked "dry clean only."

  • Shoving all of the clothes into a washing machine, Mike sprinkles on as much detergent as he can.

  • He then stuffs all of the "washed" clothes into a dryer, turns the dial to "high."

  • An hour later, he squishes his wrinkled steaming clothes into his "basket," takes it home, and leaves the clothes in the bag, only taking the clothes out when it's time to wear them.

Now take out the name "Mike" and replace it with the name "You." If this scenario sounds familiar, you desperately need to read this SYW (not only because you're ruining your clothes, but because you probably stink).

Let's make something crystal clear: an average, semi-active, single person should wash his/her clothes about every two weeks. However, college students often try to hold out for months until they finish midterms and can take their clothes home to Momma. Sure, you could pay an arm and a leg for a laundry service, but then we'd call you a wuss. Don't make us call you names; please read on. (Note: This is the definitive guide to properly doing laundry. If you'd prefer a Cliff Notes version, check out eHow's quick and easy, step-by-step instructions on doing laundry.)

1. GATHER YOUR MATERIALS

Before you head all the way to the neighborhood laundromat (or, for the fortunate few, to the washer and dryer downstairs), you should make sure you have the following:

  • Quarters: Yes, washing and drying costs money; usually $0.75 - $1.75 per load for each machine. Laundromats often have change machines; those that don't, however, leave you to fend for yourself.

  • Detergent: News flash: laundry detergent does not automatically spray out of the inner workings of the machine. That said, go to your local supermarket or convenience store and pick up a bottle (liquid form) or box (powder form) of detergent. There really is no difference between liquid and powder detergent. You may find that liquid is less messy, however, but also slightly more expensive. You'll probably be happiest with the brand that you're mom or dad used (you're used to the smell), but you should especially look out for detergents that may give you an allergic reaction.

  • Bleach: If you're doing a load of whites, you may want to add bleach to get your clothes as bright as possible. A note of caution: bleach should only be added to whites (as you may have guessed, it tends to, uh, bleach). Luckily, because scientists work so hard, detergents are now available that have "color-safe bleaching action" (meaning that you can mix your whites and non-whites). Which bleach should you use? A recent survey by Consumer Reports found Tide liquid detergent with bleach alternative to be the most effective detergent on the market. Cheer came in a close second, followed by Arm & Hammer. Just thought you'd like to know.

  • Fabric softener: To help eliminate static cling and make your clothes feel softer and smell fresher, you should add fabric softener. Fabric softener is available in both liquid form (which is added during the wash cycle) and sheet form (which is added during the dry cycle). Similar to the powdered detergent-vs.-liquid-detergent debate, there is no real difference in effectiveness between liquid fabric softener and dryer sheets; some consider fabric softener sheets a worthless indulgence while others find it a necessity. You be the judge. Some examples are Downey, Snuggles (with that cute little bear), and Bounce.

  • Laundry basket: We don't want to see your dirty underwear hanging over your arm. To keep us from getting sick, we insist that you purchase a heavy-duty laundry basket or a drawstring laundry bag. If you're cheap, you can go with a pillowcase.

2. SEPARATE AND EVALUATE YOUR CLOTHES

Preparation is crucial in executing an effective wash. The most fundamental step to laundering clothes is to evaluate how many loads of laundry you will need to do and to separate your dirty clothes accordingly. The way to separate is by color. This is not racist, so don't send us angry letters. Why separate by color? Because the clothes with colors tend to bleed in the wash, and it'll make your whites dingy (or if you have red in the wash, pink). Mixing colors is the biggest screw-up that novice launderers make, so if you can manage to sort your clothes, you're already on the path to success.

The most basic and fool-proof formula to use for separating clothes is to sort into four distinct piles: whites, lights, darks, and delicates.

  • Whites: Think basic t-shirts, white socks and undies, sheets, pillowcases, and all the other plain white clothing or linens that you own.

  • Lights: These encompass everything from pastels to striped or patterned white garments. You really can't go wrong with the lights category: if an article of clothing is largely white but contains enough color (logos or writing) to make you doubt your sorting prowess, group it with the lights.

  • Darks: Dark socks, dark underwear (you sexy thang you!), and shirts, along with jeans and dark-colored pants. Sometimes, newly purchased dark clothing is too dark or strongly colored for the darks load of laundry. It is best to wash dark clothing separately and by hand before grouping it in the machine-washable category. To determine whether or not a garment is ready for the big-time in the laundry machine with the other clothes, fill your bathroom sink with water and soak the garment. Evaluate how severe the bleeding of the color is by checking the color of the water after soaking. If the garment has not bled significantly, you can machine-wash.

  • Delicates: Wool garments, sweaters, satin, or any luxurious or foreign fabrics. While most machines have a "delicate" cycle, these items are best washed by hand or dry-cleaned. To hand-wash clothing, simply fill your bathroom sink with a bottle-cap size amount of Woolite, soak the garments in the foam, rinse thoroughly with lukewarm water, and hang to dry. To dry clean, take the items to a dry cleaning establishment. Very intuitive.

Separating your clothes will protect the color of each garment as well as the durability. Should you mix darks and lights, the damage done cannot be eliminated in the next wash. The white t-shirt mixed accidentally with the red sweatshirt is, alas, pink for life.

When in doubt, look to the care labels inside your garments. Though many choose to ignore these friendly little warnings, phrases such as "Wash with like colors" may help you put things in perspective.

One last note: as you sort your clothes, be sure to make sure they're not inside out, that the pockets are empty (unless you want to wash a $20 bill), and that the zippers are closed (to prevent snagging).

3. WASH

The actual act of washing clothes is simple. After you've gathered all of your materials and done the proper sorting, you're ready throw the clothes into the machine. Here are our tips:

  1. First you must pre-treat any visible stains before washing for maximum effectiveness of removal. Before combining the stained garment with other clothing in the washing machine, add a dime-size amount of detergent or stain remover to the affected area and rub into the stain. Then you can add it in the washing machine and hope that the stain comes out in the agitated washing cycle.

  2. What you do next depends on the type of washing machine you're using.

    • If the washing machine does NOT have a detergent dispenser on top, then you must put the detergent into the machine before you throw in the clothes. For these old-school washers (they prefer Run DMC to Eminem), simply insert your quarters, choose your cycle (more on that below), and pour the detergent into the basin as it starts to fill with water. Once the water begins to get nice and sudsy, add your nasty threads a little at a time (distributing the weight evenly) until your full load is inside.

    • If it's a newer machine (or one that has a detergent dispenser on top), simply load the pile of clothes into the washing machine (making sure the weight is evenly distributed), choose your cycle, pour the detergent into the dispenser, and pop in the quarters. The machine with fill with water and suds before your disbelieving eyes.
  3. Laundry machines vary tremendously: some require you to specify the water temperature; others ask you to choose the washing cycle. The latter is much easier for the neophyte:

    • Whites require a "hot" cycle in which there is a vigorous agitation cycles and hot water rinse. The hot water gets your whites nice and clean, because it doesn't have to worry about draining out colors

    • Lights and darks require a "warm" or "permanent press" cycle which has a more mild agitation cycle and adds an extra cool water rinse. The cool water protects the colors.

    • Delicates (that, of course, are not being washed by hand) require a "delicate" cycle with an extremely short and gentle agitation spin. This will be a "cold" cycle.
  4. Again, most clothes will tell you how to handle them, saying "wash cold only" or "wash warm with like colors." As long as you can read (and we suspect you can), you can never go wrong with instructions.

  5. A washing cycle usually takes 25 to 40 minutes, so bring some reading material or entertainment if you are waiting at a laundromat. If you are using communal washing machines, please be aware that an implied laundromat etiquette does exist. Leaving your clothes in the machine for hours after the cycle is over is inconsiderate, so please be present when your clothes are finished washing.

  6. Then there is the age-old question of whether you should have the right to remove someone's already-washed clothing so that you can use the washer. To avoid any sort of confrontation, violation, or clothing robbery, give the washer about 10 minutes of grace time. After that, if the laundromat is incredibly crowded, you can consider self-removal.

  7. The biggest problems that people encounter during the wash cycle are that they either 1) overload the washer, or 2) use too much detergent. You should never have to stuff clothes into a washer… if there's no room inside for more clothes, then there's no room inside for water to reach grimy places. So never fill a washer more than about ½ - ¾ full. As for the detergent, only use the "full" measurement if you have a real heavy load of towels, jeans, and other "thick" objects. If you're doing a light load of whites and t-shirts, a half a cup of detergent is fine. What's wrong with too much detergent? Not only will it ruin your clothes (it's like using too much soap on your skin), but it also encourages sitcom writers to write stupid scripts about Dads making washing machines overflow with bubbles.

4. DRY

Gone are those romantic days when people would hang their freshly washed garments and linens on clotheslines to blow in the cool wind and be dried by the warm rays of the sun. If you don't have the patience, the space, or the environmental kindness to hang your clothes to dry, you're gonna need to learn how to use a dryer. We promise, it's not that hard. Here are our tips:

  1. Before drying, you must prepare the dryer. For optimum performance, clean the lint filter of your dryer before beginning your load. On a standard dryer, lint filters are found at the base of the door to the dryer. Just take the screen out, remove all the disgusting fuzz from it, and place the screen back in its place.

  2. As mentioned before, you may want to add fabric softener dryer sheets to your load before beginning the cycle.

  3. As you unload your clothes from the washer to the dryer, shake them out a bit to release any excess water and wrinkles.

  4. Inspect any stains that you attempted to remove before washing. The heat from the dryer will only set stains further so you may want to put a little elbow grease into removing the stain again.

  5. Don't overload the dryer. By shoving in all your clothes at once, the dryer process is greatly hindered and will require more money and time if you have filled the machine beyond capacity.

  6. Similar to the washing machine, a drying cycle depends upon the type of dryer you are using. Most cycles require 30 to 40 minutes for complete drying, although the effectiveness of your dryer largely determines the amount of time you'll need. You may want to set the dryer for 40 minutes and check how dry the garments are after 30 minutes of the cycle (heavier articles such as towels and jeans take longer).

  7. If you leave your clothes in the dryer for too long, they will shrink. So check the labels on your garments for drying instructions. Your clothes will also shrink if you put a relatively new item made of cotton in the dryer on a high setting.

  8. If you have any of those new "wrinkle-free" clothes, they need special drying care to maintain their wrinkle-free-ness. Remove them from the dryer while they are still damp (about 15 minutes before everything else is ready to come out) and put them on a hanger to dry.

  9. Often, it is best to hang delicates out to dry to avoid ruining the garment with the harsh heat of a dryer.

5. FOLD

You're not done yet. As lame as it sounds, you must fold your laundry. Of course, you'll want to hang some of your clothes (e.g., dress shirts), while you'll want to put others in drawers. However, you may want to follow these tips:

  • Begin folding immediately, as it makes your clothes less wrinkled.

  • Never hang sweaters or any article of clothing that is form-fitting for fear that it take the shape of the hanger, not your shoulder.

  • To avoid wrinkling, always hang linen and synthetic fiber garments.

  • Jeans, t-shirts, and sweatshirts can all be folded and stored away in drawers.

  • Unless you are an employee of the Gap and have mastered the seven-step crease fold, always hang button-down shirts. The chance for wrinkling is too great to stake for such a novice.

All this talk of wrinkles brings us to the dreaded topic of ironing. We won't describe how to iron in detail, but keep in mind that nice pants, dress shirts, shar-peis, and other wrinkle-prone items may require ironing. The washing instructions on the label will tell you if something will need to be ironed. If you are afraid of leaving huge black burns on your favorite shirt, you can always take your dress shirts to the cleaner. It will cost you between $1 and $1.50 per shirt but you'll save time and look a lot tidier. If you hate to iron pants and don't want to wear jeans all the time, you might consider purchasing some wrinkle free or wrinkle resistant pants.

The sense of accomplishment after completing a load of laundry and stowing it away neatly in your closets and drawers is tremendous. Not only will you feel invigorated after finishing this timely, yet simple task, but your self-esteem and confidence is heightened when clad in clean clothes. And now, there will be no danger of being like Mike.