SOYOUWANNA IMPROVE YOUR TABLE MANNERS?

3. EAT PROPERLY (AND REFRAIN FROM DISGUSTING OTHERS)

So now you are sitting at a lovely dinner, using your eating utensils in the most proper way possible. And then you let an enormous burp fly. Whoops! There are a lot more to table manners than just using the right fork. You also have to have correct manners with regard to how you eat.

Posture

Always sit straight up in your chair, never leaning backward, nor forward. Never let your elbows touch the table (though you can put your hands on the table all you want). When eating, do not bring your face toward the plate (a la a pig's trough), but bring the utensil up to you. You're the master! But what if you drop something? You should suavely signal a waiter so that (s)he could replace the item. (Don't pick up the dirty fork and put it on the table. That's just gross.) But if it's your napkin that escaped, just excuse yourself as you lean down, pick it up, and continue with whatever you were doing.

Passing stuff

If someone asks for something to be passed to him or her, only reach for it if you are the closest one to the item. In that case, take the one item and place it directly next to your neighbor. (Do not pass it hand-to-hand.) Continue passing the item in this manner until the original requester has the item. And oddly enough, you are not allowed to help yourself to the item until the original requester gets a chance at it (after all, (s)he asked first). When that person is done, you can ask the item to be passed back to you, and enjoy!

Salt and pepper

An additional note needs to be made about using salt and pepper: if someone asks you to pass the salt, do it in the same manner above, but pass BOTH the salt and pepper (even if only one of the two were asked for). Again, do not use guerrilla tactics and try to use the salt until after the original requester had a chance with it. Also, NEVER use salt or pepper on your food until after you have already tasted it. It's a huge insult to the cook if you try to add flavor before even tasting it stag. And while we think it's blatantly obvious, we'd feel guilty if we didn't remind you: don't ever season a dish that everyone is supposed to share (not with salt, pepper, catsup, parmesan cheese, not with anything). Keep your own creative additions to your own plate.

"Embarrassing" Moments

Did you burp? Did you spill something? Did your pet monkey poop on the table? To handle these little unfortunate accidents, just try to channel the aura of James Bond and think: be classy, be classy, be classy. If anything comes out of your mouth other than speech (e.g., burp, hiccup, chicken nugget), just excuse yourself quietly (to nobody in particular), and put your napkin to your lips. This is a good time to talk about general napkin etiquette. Never smear your napkin all over your face, or wipe your mouth hard. Just use it to blot your mouth. But if you spill something, then follow…

GENERAL TIP #7: If you spill something, don't make a big deal of it

It happens. Just be calm, quietly apologize, try to prevent anything from spilling over onto the people sitting next to you with your napkin, and get a waiter to help you control the damage. If something spills onto someone's clothes, do NOT try to get it off his or her clothes. That's technically known as a "sexual harassment lawsuit waiting to happen." Point it out, let them clean it up, offer to pay the dry cleaning bill, and then let it go. Hey, as we all learned when we were two years old, accidents happen, and they can often be wet and messy. Just keep your cool. Oh, and if your pet monkey poops on the table, then carefully remove the primate, and take everyone out to a very expensive restaurant where monkey brains are on the menu. Then everybody will laugh! No.

Using your fingers

A big question regarding eating properly is when it's OK to use your fingers, and when you must use a utensil. While we provide a small list of finger foods, there is a tip you can follow, which is...

GENERAL TIP #8: If you're not sure whether or not you can eat something with your fingers, just use a utensil

Hey, we're not brain surgeons here, but this just makes sense. Better to be over-careful than under-careful. As for foods that you can eat with your fingers, they include:

• artichoke
• asparagus (as long as there is no goo on it, and it's not too long)
• bacon (but only if it is crisp)
• sandwiches
• cookies
• small fruits or berries with stems
• french fries and potato chips
• hamburgers and hot dogs
• corn on the cob
• caviar
• pickles

Pacing

This is not the Indy 500, and the food is not going to walk away. So take your time! Don't fill your mouth with too much food. Try to keep the same eating pace as your host, so that you all finish at the same time. It is not a compliment when someone leans over and says "Boy, good thing you didn't eat the plate" or "Wanna finish some time before the next thaw?"

Mom-isms

Just think of this as the potpourri of things you've heard all your life about table manners. Most of them were 100% correct:

• don't grab food
• don't talk with your mouth full
• chew with your mouth closed and no noise
• excuse yourself if you get up to go somewhere (e.g., bathroom, to make a call)
• don't pick something out of your teeth (just excuse yourself to the bathroom)
• don't leave lipstick smears on anything
• don't put crap on the table (meaning a purse, papers, keys, or monkey poop)
• don't smoke
• don't tilt or squirm in your chair