2. COME UP WITH A GUEST LIST

The first thing to consider when making the guest list: are you going to invite boys, or will this be an estrogen brigade? In other words, do you want to invite the bride and her female friends and relatives, or the bride and groom and other couples made up of their friends and relatives? The general details of the wedding shower will remain the same regardless of sex (with the possible exception of the theme), so let's assume for the purpose of this SYW that it's a female-only shower.

So now you must decide (1) who to invite and (2) how many people to invite.

Who deserves an invite?

This is a party for the bride, so you'll likely be inviting some people you don't know. This might seem like a hopeless task, but breaking it down into steps makes the whole thing much more manageable.

  1. Generate, on your own, a list of all the people you think the bride wants at the shower: bride-to-be's friends, co-workers and her or her fiancé's relatives.
  2. Run that list by two-three close friends/family members of the bride and get their input.
  3. Show that list to the bride, absent any surprise guests you plan to invite.

Weddings and the activities which surround them are full of opportunities to offend people for reasons usually known only to them (although neglecting to include her future sister-in-law has it's obvious drawbacks), so avoid the frustration by getting the bride-to-be to make the final call on who's in and who's not. A word about surprises: "surprise" showers – where the bride didn't even know she was being showered until stumbling into a darkened room of beaming friends and family – used to be very popular, but they are far less popular today. Why? Because many brides-to-be are so busy with their careers or other obligations that throwing a surprise shower is a pretty risky proposition – maybe the bride won't show, or maybe she just doesn't have the time that day for a leisurely shower. In addition, when you throw a surprise shower, you can't run the guest list past the bride, so you'll shoulder the blame (and piss off the bride) if you leave out someone who should have been there. We recommend the no-surprise shower because the odds are far lower that something will go wrong if you do. If you're obsessed with surprises, invite a few surprise guests to the party: old friends of the bride, her dog, whoever.

Can I only invite wedding guests?

In the past it was customary to invite only those who are also going to the wedding (not all of them, of course), because (1) the one person at the shower not invited to the actual wedding would probably feel like crap surrounded by all the other future wedding-goers and (2) because who the hell wants to give the crummy bride a gift when you're not even invited to the bloody wedding? Nowadays, it's acceptable to invite people not on the wedding list but who nonetheless wish the bride well – like coworkers -- so that they might participate in the celebration. Again, though, make sure you know the bride's preferences on inviting non-wedding guests so she's not placed in a potentially awkward situation. Reason number two why the surprise shower ain't such a bright idea.

How many humans?

Ahh, yes. You've got yourself a list of who you'd like to invite, but how many people are you actually going to invite? Aside from the bride's preference – a seven person cozy affair versus a fifty person blowout – how much you want to spend will be very important in determining whether Aunt Martha gets to come or not. You see, guests, they cost money, because they like to eat food, drink alcohol, see pretty decorations, and be somewhere during the shower. So, you must go back to 1. Decide how much to spend and take a look at your budget. Typically, a shower has between ten and twenty or so well- wishers. Take your budget, and divide it by the number of guests on your list. That's how much you'll be spending per person. Ask yourself: will that cover food, liquor and other costs, like if you're planning on hiring some male "talent"? If it won't, then you need to invite less people or spend less money per person: cheaper food, cheaper liquor, fewer decorations, no strippers, etc. (The easiest way to drive down the cost of what you pay for food is to make the shower a pot luck, where everyone brings a dish. The downside of this is that some guests may bring food that tastes like leather. For food advice, see 6. Have the shower.) Whatever you do, make sure you have enough food and drink for everyone. Spend a little more if you have to, because the bride (and you) will feel bad if shower guests don't have enough to eat or drink.