So, you're not Cheech or Chong, but you aren't exactly Ned Flanders either. And while you are waiting to be "discovered" by a Hollywood talent agent, Cops, America's Most Wanted and TV's Deadliest Frantic Car Chases aren't top choices for your acting debut. Even if you're a law-abiding, cop-loving, establishment-respecting Pollyanna, chances are that you have (or will at one point) get pulled over for some sort of traffic violation. And if you aren't ready to fork over your weekly allowance toward Ramen Noodles and beer to pay a traffic fine, you'd probably like to know how to avoid getting a ticket in the first place. Excellent. We'd like to tell you how. (This SYW tells you how to avoid getting a ticket, not how to fight a ticket you've already been tagged with. That's another SYW altogether...one we're still working on.)

Now, don't think we're giving you the shiny 100% guarantee that you'll never get a ticket again. Not even close, bub. What we're doing is just givin' you a few pointers to improve your odds of avoiding a ticket. But face it, if you're going 75 in a school zone, you could have memorized our bloody article and it wouldn't help you a lick. The only surefire way to avoid a ticket is not to speed.

FYI, the PD and other acronyms…

There are two major types of traffic tickets – tickets for moving violations and tickets for non-moving violations. Moving violations include speeding, failure to obey traffic signs or lights, illegal turns, or doing anything else illegal while your Pinto is in motion. Non-moving violations are for offenses like parking your car illegally. We really can't help you if you don't know how to park.

Every year, over 34 million people receive a traffic ticket from a police officer (or possibly, a weirdo dressed up like a police officer). And while most of us are willing to admit that there are a few people out there who actually deserve them (tickets, that is… not weirdoes), the pervasiveness of ticketing seems questionable, especially in light of recent research that proves that financial sanctions rarely deter motorist behavior. Well, while it seems that millions of Americans are disregarding road signs, the government is still obeying the dollar sign. Most traffic tickets charge fines averaging around $150.00. 34 million tickets at $150.00 equals profits of over $5 billion. Add to that number insurance costs, attorney fees, and other associated charges, and it looks like we've bought into a pretty effective "driving tax." The money collected from traffic tickets supports much of our civil service industry, including police officers, accountants, court secretaries, bailiffs, judges, district attorneys, insurance companies, and attorneys. If we didn't get caught, lots of people wouldn't get paid.

One last note: to cover our collective asses, we don't intend to encourage dangerous driving practices. Like we said, if you really don't want a ticket, don't do the things that get you ticketed. And we are NOT going to tell you how to get out of a DUI. If you drive drunk, you deserve what you get, creep.

1. CLEAN UP YOUR CAR

The first rule of not getting a traffic ticket is not putting yourself into the position of looking like you should get one. And since most of us occasionally bend the actual rules of the road, let's take a look at some of the unwritten rules, including your car's color, modifications, condition, cleanliness, and stickers.
  1. Color
  2. Modifications
  3. Condition
  4. Cleanliness
  5. Stickers

Color

The best way to avoid a traffic ticket is to make sure that nothing about your car draws an officer's attention. Even though we think Morticia and/or Gomez are hot, most of us have not chosen a hearse as our top choice for a vehicle. But hearse-like qualities are what you need to look for. Flashy and bright colors, particularly red, draw a person's attention, namely a cop's attention. Light, pastel colors have a tendency to blend with the environment and dark colors like black and navy not only blend in, they look serious. So, if you have chosen a brightly colored vehicle, know that your chances of getting pulled are a bit higher than the speed-demon in the black car zooming past you. Thus, be more wary about that "rule-bending" if your car is red.

Modifications

Any additional sound or light modifications can also draw a cop's attention. The neon running lights, thumping bass, straightened exhaust pipes, and glass packs might make you look cooler in Podunk, USA, but they also mean that with your cool points, you get points on your license (the more points you get on your license, the closer you are to losing your license, possibly permanently). Additionally, cops seem to hate tinted windows. If you don't have tinted windows, don't get them. If you do, make sure you immediately roll all of your windows down the minute you get pulled over. This allows the cop better vision into your car giving her/him more confidence about the situation. When the cop is relaxed, your chances of avoiding the ticket are better. (Maybe you should consider playing Enya music when you get pulled over…)

Condition

This is simple. Cars, like clothes, make can make a good or bad impression. Pretend that your car is on its way to an interview. If you want your car to get the job, you'll clean it up and maybe even give it a fresh coat of wax. A possible explanation is that people who take care of their cars look like they're responsible drivers. But a dented car is one that has gotten into accidents before, thus catching a cop's eye rather easily and making him/her prone to fine you. If your car has rust spots or dents, get those taken care of before you hit the road.

Cleanliness

The cleanliness of your car also makes a definite impression with the cop who pulls you over. Again, assumptions are made about your personality based on your car. Make sure the exterior of your car is clean, but also focus on the interior. Don't hang anything on your rear view mirror. Especially dice. (That's really just for us.) Clean out the inside of your car from clutter. Make sure that your glove box is fairly clean so that you don't have to search for your registration. And above all, clean out your ashtrays. They almost always draw a cop's attention and they start looking for things other than cigarette butts (yeah, Cheech, you know what I'm talking about).

Stickers

Even if you're taking a long, strange trip, the stickers on the back of your car can pose potential problems. There are two kinds of stickers that you should try to avoid. The first kind include those stickers that are anti-cop or pro-violence such as "Bad Cop…No Donut," "DARE to keep cops away from donuts" and "This Car Is Insured by Smith & Wesson." The second kind are those that support bands that may provoke a cop to make assumptions. While this is grossly grossly grossly unfair, Grateful Dead and Phish stickers catch a cop's eye and usually lead them to make assumptions about drug use. If you choose to leave these stickers on your car, just know that you might have to fight the assumptions they produce.

2. KNOW WHEN TO TRAVEL

Most police departments treat traffic tickets on a quota system. Some departments even award the officers who give out the most tickets in a month. This means that there are some times of the month when you are more likely to get a tickets. First, be wary during the first week of a month; this is when the most aggressive cops give out the most tickets. Second, be wary the last week of the month; this is the time when cops who haven't given many tickets are under the pressure to give out more. So, the safest day of the month to travel is around the 15th. We're not saying you should hole up the rest of the month; we're just letting you know when the odds are in your favor and when they're not.

Also know when police duty shifts change. The best time to travel is about 30 minutes before such a shift change. Rather than calling the police station and telling them that you need their schedule so that you know when you can make an illegal U-turn, read the accident reports in your local paper to find out a police officer's name. Then, call the department and ask for that officer. If you're lucky, the officer won't be in and they'll tell you when s/he will return from their shift. (If the cop is in, just tell them thanks for doing such a fine job and call another officer.) OK, so this isn't very practical advice, but we were so pleased with ourselves for uncovering this little nugget that we wanted to tell you anyway.

3. TALK TO YOUR COP

OK, let's say that you've followed our sterling advice in steps 1 and 2 (you have an immaculate car and only make contact with the outside world on the 15th of each month). We now must talk you through what happens when you get pulled over. When pulled over, our natural inclination is to not say anything at all for fear of saying the wrong thing. Unless you're auditioning for The Piano, it helps to speak. Silence is often an indication of something to hide.

The first thing you need to know is what to call the cop that pulls you. Avoid "Pig." For some reason, they seem to take offense to that. Instead, try to guess the officer's proper title:

  • If the officer's uniform has three or more stripes, chances are, (s)he is a Sergeant.
  • One or two stripes usually indicates a Corporal.
  • An officer with no stripes but in a State Police car is a Trooper.
  • No stripes and a County car is a Deputy.
  • If you aren't sure, stick with "Officer."

Unless you've been living with Jesse Helms for the past ten years, you've probably noticed that cops are both male and female. DO NOT treat a female cop differently. She too is "the man." Don't say anything to a female cop that you would not say to a male cop. She is not a Miss, Ma'am, or Cutie. Use the same honorifics as with any other officer.

4. LIE, CRY, AND BEG

Lying

If you're willing to try to get out of a ticket you probably deserve, don't get all self-righteous on us now. You may have to lie. Keep in mind, though, that if the cop sniffs out your bluff, that's not so good, for obvious reasons. Being cowardly folk, we prefer begging and crying, below. But if you feel the need to shade the truth a wee bit, here's a couple of tips.

The key to lying to a cop is keeping the lie plausible (a good way to start is by reading the article SoYouWanna lie persuasively). The most common lie is actually the least effective: "I (or my passenger) is sick." This lie will get you a costly ambulance ride to the nearest hospital with a very concerned police escort. If you're really lucky, the officer might just go into the hospital to speed up check-in and to make sure that you're okay. The best lie is that you really need to go to the bathroom…bad. For this lie to work, it needs to be the first thing out of your mouth as the officer approaches. Say something along the lines of: "Officer, I really have to go to the bathroom, could you follow me to the nearest rest area?" Chances are, the cop isn't going to want to discuss your bodily functions for long and may let you go. This lie can cover everything from speeding, to an illegal turn, to running a stop sign.

If you feel weird using your excretory functions as scapegoats, then the cop is going to ask you something like, "Do you know how fast you were going/that you just ran a red light/that U-turns are illegal here?" Don't ever say yes. Lie. Stumble something like, "How fast was I going? Did I run a stop light? Are U-turns illegal here?" When the cop replies to your claim of no knowledge, say something along the lines of "I had no idea." This response requires no admittance of guilt and it may make you seem a bit clueless, but it usually lightens the serious tone of the situation.

Crying

You probably didn't need us to tell you this, but we will tell you that it works. But we really mean CRY. Let it all out. We're talking a sobbing, hyperventilating, bawling kind of cry. When the officer asks you if you are okay, just say no. Tell him/her that you're scared. Or that you just left your boyfriend/girlfriend's house because you just broke up and that this has been the worst day of your life. Or that you just flunked your exam and you're going to lose your scholarship. Just make it believable. And keep on crying.

Begging

If the cop seems intent on writing you a ticket, sometimes (and only in dire circumstances) it's okay to tell the officer the truth. If you can't afford the fine associated with a ticket, tell him/her. They may at least charge you with a lesser offense than what they had originally planned. Tell the officer that a ticket on your record could impact your job. Or mention that you might get in huge trouble at home for a ticket. Occasionally, begging actually works. Not often (it might actually worsen your ticket if your cop is particularly sadistic), but it's has happened.

5. AVOID BEING A MORON

OK, so the fact that you can turn on a computer kinda negates this step's title. But we know many computer programmers who do dumb things. So for the love of God, when trying to get out of a ticket…

NEVER claim to be a cop. State police associations are pretty tight-knit and most cops know one another. Plus, police work is jargon-heavy and it's easy to trip someone up.

NEVER say, "What's the problem officer?" unless you want a smart-ass reply like, "You." This immediate response most people have has become a cliché for officers. They hate it.

NEVER say, "Was I ________?" (fill in with whatever traffic rule you were violating). It serves as an acknowledgment from you that you knew you were doing something wrong.

NEVER say, "I'm sorry" unless you really mean that you are truly sorry that you have broken the code of honor and ethics bestowed on all drivers when they are admitted by the knightly DMV into the realm of licensed driving. It's trite and usually stands for, "I'm so sorry… that you caught me."

NEVER say, "Do you know so-and so?" Name-dropping usually has no effect on the officer's decision to ticket you, and it might tick him/her off that you're even trying.

NEVER say, "you just stopped me because I'm black, a woman, gay, an Eskimo, etc." If the cop is racist or sexist or phobic, this remark isn't exactly going to help your situation and might serve to anger the officer. And if the officer is not racist or sexist or phobic, you've just accused him/her of it.

NEVER say, "I'll see you in court," "let me see the radar gun" or "give me your badge number." First, these remarks place the officer on defense and a defensive cop is more likely to give you a ticket. As for the radar gun, the cop can make it read whatever (s)he wants it to read from 00 to 135.

NEVER get out of the car unless instructed to do so.

NEVER reach for your pockets or under the seat without first explaining why.

NEVER open your glove box if it has inside it a concealed weapon unless you have warned the cop that it is there and that you have a license to carry it.

NEVER allow your passengers to talk to the officers unless instructed to do so.

NEVER consent to a search of your car without first asking for probable cause.

Traffic Court

Just for argument's sake, let's say that you got a ticket anyway and that you still want to get out of it. You could always try to go to traffic court and fight the ticket. Over 95% of traffic tickets are not contested, but that's because people are lazy. If you feel that you were actually wronged, then fight! There are a number of excellent books that can help you fight the good fight in traffic court, many of which we have listed below.

So, unless you get a cop who is screaming about respecting his authority or quoting Reservoir Dogs, our advice can help you avoid and/or get out of your next traffic ticket. All we can do now is remind you that if you don't do illegal things when you drive, then you won't get tickets.