Living in the city can be tough. So it's only natural that every five days or so, we ease the stress of work/school/relationships/sobriety by indulging in the hedonistic pleasures of the night life. Only when you're in the perfect night club (where the music is pumping, the Heineken is abundant, and the beautiful people are crowding the dance floor) can that $35 traffic ticket vanish into oblivion. In fact, there are times when the only thing that can make the daily trials of cosmopolitan existence worthwhile is the chance to let it all go with a night of frivolous abandon and indulgence.

Sometimes, however, this is more easily fantasized about than accomplished. If you are relatively new to a big city (or if you have little night club experience), the mere thought of navigating the maze of clubs can be enough to bring on a migraine. Fear not, nightlife novices, for after reading this SYW, you will be equipped with the information you need to rapidly seek out and conquer the perfect night club, rave, or whatever your choice of nighttime locale may be. A club that will help you forget your problems, ease your pain, and very possibly have you dancing on the tables while your adoring fans line up at the bar to buy you drinks. We take this chance to remind you to ALWAYS wear your underwear to a night club.

1. FAMILIARIZE YOURSELF WITH THE CITY AND ITS OFFERINGS

The toughest part about choosing a regular watering hole is finding out what your options are. Many cities are quite strict about shutting down establishments that serve alcohol at 2:00 a.m. on the nose, and many clubs quit serving and begin clearing people out as early as 1:45. With such limited time, the last thing you need is to waste your time driving back and forth across town without a specific idea of what you're looking for.

So to find a good club, you must first familiarize yourself with different parts of your city: the various neighborhoods and the type of scenes they offer. See, clubs tend to reflect the neighborhood they're in. So in an upscale neighborhood, you'll find upscale clubs. In a scummy neighborhood, you'll find scummy clubs. In a college neighborhood, you'll find college clubs. In a gay neighborhood, you'll find gay clubs. In a neighborhood of a predominant ethnicity, you'll find clubs with similar music and clientele. So to start out, decide what sort of atmosphere you are looking for, and concentrate on the corresponding area of town.

Naturally, this is only a basic, basic guideline. After all, there's no "hip-hop" neighborhood, or "dance" neighborhood. For those, you usually have to go into "the city." Yeah, yeah, we know . . . "the city" is kinda general. But most of us recognize what is meant by "the city": it means the central area where things are happening. In Philadelphia, it would be Center City. In New York, it would be Manhattan. In L.A., it would be West Hollywood. If you're not sure what your equivalent of "the city" is, then it means that 1) you already live there, or 2) you're so far away from one, that you shouldn't worry about it. If you fall under option 1, then keep reading. If you fall under option 2, then go buy some beer from your local 7-11 and pray that you eventually move to a bigger town.

Other potential sources for surveying the offerings of any metropolis are the free weekly papers (every city has one). As their title suggests, they are free. These papers typically list almost all of the city's clubs, what the offerings are for each night of the week, their addresses, phone numbers and possibly a brief review. These weeklies are your most valuable assets in choosing a night club. They will tell you whether there is a cover charge, if there are any deals (e.g., Ladies Night), and if there are any special events planned (e.g., a famous D.J. or singer planning to perform). Listed below are the free weeklies for some major US cities:

In addition, you can pick up some pointers by simply talking to friends with similar tastes, or surf some relevant web sites like citysearch.com or TimeOut.com. All of these sources are fairly reliable when it comes to finding out about location, cover charge, type of music and entertainment and dress code. Keep in mind that the larger clubs in touristy areas of town are typically more crowded, less selective at the door, and not as creative when it comes to music. So the most obvious spots, while a good place to start out, probably won't be your regular hangouts. A bit of investigation will reward you with a more satisfying night. On the other hand, if you are in the mood for more than a little cheese, head to the K-Mart of clubs and prepare for a good laugh.

2. CHOOSE EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR

Music

No amount of research, however thorough, can ensure that you will end up in the club of your dreams. A good thing to consider when making your decision about where to spend your hard-earned night of revelry is the type of music or entertainment you desire. If you are into hard-core house music, stay away from the club advertising disco night. If you are in the mood to dance to hip-hop or feel like Latin music, seek out clubs offering this specifically. Again, the free weekly papers typically offer detailed descriptions and reviews of the DJs, musical acts or other entertainment performing at local venues.

Cost

It is also wise to think about how much money you are willing to spend BEFORE you go out. Any club charging a high cover price ($15 - $30 or more) is likely to be just as expensive when it comes to buying drinks or food inside. At a more expensive establishment, drinks are likely to average about $8 - $10. By the time you pay for parking or a taxi, the night can end up costing a small fortune. So if you are not willing to max out your platinum Visa, pay attention to the cover price and plan accordingly. Also realize that if you hate the first club and decide to go to another one, you don't get your cover charge money back. There's $20 per person down the drain for 10 minutes of hell.

We realize that a lot of this sounds ambiguous, if only because each club has its own distinct personality. But the table below should give you some great general guidance:

Smaller local night clubDance clubRaveAfter hoursGeneral description Usually more casual and fairly plain. Less likely to have to wait in a huge line, but small enough to be packed inside and even a bit claustrophobic. Likely to have multiple rooms, or a main room and a VIP area. Comfortable seating ranging from swanky lounge chairs and couches to tables and chairs. Loud, bass-filled warehouse type venue. Little to no seating. More likely to have a juice and soda bar than alcohol. No alcohol (legally). Held in varying, random locations. Cost $0-$10 $15-$25 $10-$25 Varies Clientele People out more to just hang with friends rather than those looking for a "scene." Unpredictable and varied crowd. 21-year-olds and older. If it is 18+, it will be noted on the listing. A well dressed, money-spending, scene-making crowd. Out to get drunk and crowd the dance floor. Usually all ages. Mostly "raver" types who are there to DANCE. Don't get in anyone's way - you might get sideswiped by a Blow Pop. People who can't stop dancing, don't want to go home, don't want to go home alone, or consumed too many stimulants. Music A good mix. More likely to play classic dance hits. Could be anything. Usually focus on one or two genres per night. Hip hop, old school, house, International, disco, etc. Electronica Varies

3. GET IN

The more popular the club, the more selective they will be at the door. If you have chosen a low-key quiet spot for the evening, getting in will not be much of an issue. But it is practically a law that club owners will keep a hungry mob outside the velvet ropes purely for the free advertisement it insures, so if you want to be a player, take careful note of the two most important factors when it comes to actually making it through the door: the attire and the attitude.

Attire

In a perfect world, we would all be immediately embraced by every decent human being, regardless of appearance. But when it comes to hitting the clubs, the rule is "dress to impress." Depending on what type of club you have chosen, the dress code will vary. Some live music venues or less formal clubs are more relaxed with their dress codes, while dance clubs, supper clubs and cabarets will have a fairly strict dress code and not allow anyone to wear jeans, sneakers, baseball caps or anything that you might toss on for a quick trip out with the dog. So unless your last name happens to be Damon or Affleck, leave the wrinkled Levis on the floor where you found them and don some attire that makes you look hot.

Perhaps this table will help you:

Smaller local night clubDance clubRaveAfter hoursDress (men) Probably not much of a dress code or discriminating attitude. Nice jeans, khakis, etc. Presentable. Enforced dress code: No jeans, sneakers or baseball caps. Toss on trousers and a nice shirt. Look hip and immaculately groomed. Anything goes. You will probably feel most comfortable in something outrageous. Otherwise, go for simple and functional. Baggy pants and a t-shirt. Irrelevant at this hour. It'll be too dark in there for anyone to notice anyway. Dress (women) Pretty much anything goes. Don't stress, just make sure you feel good in it. Dress up ladies. Sexy, sexy, sexy. You know what to do. See above. Have fun with your outfit. Tank tops and flared pants, tube tops, platforms, sneakers and skirts, etc. See above. Don't dress too revealingly, though. Some of the guys will get too aggressive at that late hour.

Attitude

Frankly, we suggest that you have your chauffeured stretch Hummer drop you directly in front of the club. But if that's out of your budget (or you're having the Hummer's windows tinted), there are other ways to make your approach and cut through the mob that is likely obscuring the door. A confident "I belong here" attitude is key to your approach, but once you are face to face with the powers that be, you should be relaxed, respectful and patient. Being pushy and demanding is one way to bar your entrance to the promised land, possibly for good.

The odds of getting in differ considerably for males and females. Women are almost always welcome with open arms, and typically will need to make little effort (because clubs already tend to be overburdened with men looking for a good time . . . the last thing they need is even more men to further tip the balance). If you are a female and looking your best, make your way up to the front of the mob, make eye contact with the doorman, and inform him of how many are in your party. The more females the better. You shouldn't wait for admission long.

If you are of the male persuasion, there are a couple of strategies that may be employed. First of all, if you are with a large group of men, your chances of getting in are slim, so it is better to bring along some female friends who'll get you in with them. In the event that you have never actually had a female friend in your life, now would be the best time to make one. Latch on to a girl or group of girls, politely ask them if you might accompany them in the door, and offer to buy them a round of drinks inside. Males and females alike who feel unable to cut through the crowd can also latch onto anyone who seems to have a rapport with the doorman and stay close behind them as they are led through the velvet ropes. It's sneaky but it works. If it doesn't work, just smile sweetly at the large bouncer, turn around, and leave.

Another almost sure-fire tactic, if you happen to feel like tossing your hard-earned money around, is to DISCREETLY slip the doorman twenty bucks. However, we hope that you are suave enough to not have to resort to such crass economic manipulation.

In the event that none of these tactics seem feasible to you and your crew, you should probably just go home. However, if you simply feel like standing in line, take note of whether you are actually moving forward, or if other more fabulous people seem to be sailing past you through the doors. If you find yourself in the same place an hour after arriving, don't waste your time. Find another club before the night passes you by and it's Monday again.

4. DON'T MAKE A FOOL OF YOURSELF INSIDE

So you've made it through the door and found your way to the bar to start on your first round of Goldschlager shots. There are a few more things to consider before you obliterate yourself with alcohol. If you like the club and want to return regularly, keep these tidbits in mind:

  • Make yourself at home. This is important particularly if you have ventured out on your own for the evening. It is a good idea to go first to the bar and arm yourself with a beverage. Then hang out for a few minutes at the bar - it should serve as a prime vantage point from which you can get the lay of the land and chat up fellow partiers. Familiarize yourself with the venue and scope out people who look interesting to you. This way you can move in on a table or spot on the dance floor without wandering around looking lost. Speaking of the dance floor, there is no surer way to lose your inhibitions and meld with the crowd than by shaking some ass. If you are into the music, you will feel the love in no time.

  • Develop a rapport with the staff. These people are sober and working hard while you and your obnoxious friends are partying. Learn their names, be polite and patient when ordering drinks, tip well, and apologize and conclude your table dance when you are ordered to do so. These simple courtesies will result in faster admission, better service and sometimes even free drinks or special favors. Regular loyal customers are always valued by the employees at any establishment.

And now you're on your own. Keep in mind that while clubbing is usually a lot of fun, there are a lot of creeps out there too, so be careful and always bring your mace along with you.