SOYOUWANNA DONATE SPERM?

All of the best things in life involve the merging of two things into one. Fork + Spoon = Spork! Breakfast + Lunch = Brunch! Vacuum cleaner + Razor = Flobee, the new age hairstyle system! But what happens when you mix heartfelt charity with a handful of self-gratification? Sperm donation!

How hard could it be? Just walk into a spermy-like place, have a pleasant 5 minutes with yourself, hand over your happiness in a cup, and walk out with a couple of bucks. Woah, woah, cool your jets, Turbo. If it were that easy, you'd find a Spermbucks on every corner. The sperm bank industry is tightly regulated, and the process of donating sperm can be quite arduous. So read along, friend, to find out exactly what you have to go through to donate sperm.

1. FIND A SPERM BANK

. . . an obvious but important step, lest you approach a financial bank and try to deposit sperm. The teller will probably shoot you. So find yourself a sperm bank. How? There are two ways: asking your doctor and doing your own research.

Ask your doctor

This is the best way to find a sperm bank, because (s)he can direct you to one that has been certified by your state, that is of good quality, and that is relatively close to you. Ask your doctor for three to four top-notch sperm banks, just because it's always nice to comparison shop.

Do your own research

Use this method if you're embarrassed to tell your doctor (or if you forgot your doctor's name). You can look in the yellow pages (you'll be letting your fingers do the walking anyway) or check out this helpful site. Make sure the sperm bank is licensed by the state it is in! If it is, you know the state is keeping really close tabs on what the bank is doing with all its sperm. If the bank if not licensed by the state, they could be doing very unpleasant (and possibly illegal) things with the sperm deposits.

Regardless of how you find the sperm bank, you should visit the bank before ever signing anything, and make sure that it's clean and pretty. Talk with some of the people that work there, and see how professional a "vibe" you get from the place. Again, compare banks, and pick the best one. Your sperm won't be going anywhere.